


with love & yours truly

by aryelee



Series: The Senpai Collection [6]
Category: Notice Me Senpai! (Video Game)
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mentions of miscarriage, POV Takeru-senpai, Pen Pals, Secret Identity, Slow Burn, mentions of divorce
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 10:07:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17302664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aryelee/pseuds/aryelee
Summary: Takeru finds a letter addressed to a stranger. It's all downhill from there.Or: Takeru slowly falls for his mysterious pen pal Echo and learns to stop running from his past.





	with love & yours truly

**Author's Note:**

  * For [makuramotou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/makuramotou/gifts).



> this turned out way longer and way more emotional that i expected lmao
> 
> anyways! i listened to these two songs on repeat while i wrote, so now it's the music for this fic.  
> takeru's song: [My Mistake by Gabrielle Aplin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCVXgVg1PeI)  
> ai's song: [If I'm Being Honest by Dodie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljRAR8LXo1k)
> 
> thank you for the request! this was so fun to write (though it took so long ;-;)
> 
> and as always: if anyone has a request for me, let me know! this is cute little fandom and it could use some more fics ^^

 

 

Takeru finds the letter by accident; he stumbles upon it when he leaves school for the day and stops to tie his shoe when a flash of white catches his eye. It’s well hidden, but easy to spot when he knows what to look for. The flash of white, the corner of a paper, is tucked between the bench and the large flower pot, turned so the top of the paper is just visible when he looks down on it.

Had it been in any other paper, Takeru would think it’s just a scrap piece of paper that someone tossed away, and he’d throw it away. This one, though, is carefully hidden with intent. He’s always been a curious person; it’s gotten him into sticky situations before, but he could always just read the paper and put it back once he’s done.

No harm done.

So he pulls the paper out from its hiding place and sits on the bench. It’s carefully folded, the creases sharp and precise, and in clean handwriting, says _To The Stranger That Finds This_.

Well. That’s an invitation to read it, and Takeru pushes away the feeling of guilt of going through someone else’s things. It’s for him to read now, the perfect stranger to stumble upon this curious find.

   

_Hello Stranger,_

 

_Though I doubt anyone will read this, I wanted to write this. It might be a little personal, but I can’t tell the people I know. I do need to tell someone though, so if you’re up to the task, Stranger, keep reading._

_I’m scared that I’m not worth anything. All around me, my friends and classmates are getting closer to their goals, achieving their dreams, living happy and exciting lives that I have no place in. I don’t know what I want in the future, or if I have any skills or talents that could make me worth something. People come to me for advice, but I really don’t know what I’m talking about._

_I feel so fake. Imposter syndrome hits everybody, I know, but I genuinely have no place giving this advice. I do it anyways because I want to help and, well, I’ve always had trouble saying no._

_Everyone else gets to be happy with their lives at the end of the day. And I struggle to get through each hour, wondering if anyone would care about me if I didn’t give advice. It hurts to think about, and at the same time it’s all I can think about._

_I don’t suppose you have any words of wisdom to offer me, Stranger?_

_Yours truly,_

_Echo_

 

Takeru glances around once he’s read the letter. There are students walking by, either on their phones or talking to each other. No one pays any attention to Takeru.

He folds the letter up and opens his bag to put it in one of his notebooks. Then he stands and makes sure he knows which bench he’s at -- _first one past the bike racks, off to the left_ \-- and starts to make his way home, walking faster than normal.

He has a letter to write, after all.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The school is mostly empty during the quiet hours of the morning. Takeru is still fighting back yawns as he enters the campus grounds, an hour earlier than he’s used to. He’ll definitely need a coffee from the cafe to keep from crashing in his afternoon classes.

Even though Takeru knows that no one is going to be watching him, that this mysterious Echo wasn’t waiting to see him put his letter where the last one was hidden, his stomach still twists with anxiety, his heart beats a little too fast, and he keeps glancing around. There’s no doubt that he looks suspicious, but that’s why he came to school so early: so no one would see him.

His letter is written on paper from his favorite notebook, that was bear themed and was a light brown color, with the tops of the paper holding little ears. It wasn’t visible now that he’d folded it, but Takeru hoped that Echo would like it. It sounded like something cute was just the thing that Echo needed to feel better.

Takeru slips it between the bench and the flower pot, then sprints away before anyone can catch him.

The run does wake him up some more, and it cold air against his face feels good, but the moment he stops and let himself think about his letter, the more nervous Takeru gets.

It was a simple letter, really. Just half a page.

It read:

 

_Hey Echo,_

 

_I would give you ‘words of wisdom’ if I had any to share, but it feels wrong doing that without really knowing who you are as a person. So instead, I’m going to give you something else: me! There are things that are hard to say in person, and even harder to say to people we care about, so if you ever have anything you want to talk about, I’m more than willing to listen. It would be just like having a pen pal! In any case, I know how hard imposter syndrome can hit, but as long as you keep going, you’ll be able to fake it till you make it. That’s what I’m doing after all!_

_I hope this letter puts you in a good mood and makes your week a little better._

_All the best,_

_Teddy_

 

Takeru spent an hour thinking up the perfect fake name for himself; Teddy, like a teddy bear. It sounded great at the time, but now that his letter is placed at the bench for Echo to take, Takeru feels that it’s a horrible name and he needs to jump into his grave immediately to avoid any further embarrassment.

 _Echo_ was a cool name. He’d love to know how his (possibly) new pen pal got the idea. But _Teddy?_ That sounded -- well, not cool. It’s too late to take it back now, though. Echo would be waiting for a letter, and if he changed his name, it would be like Teddy dropped off the face of the earth and a new stranger replaced him.

Not that it would be a new stranger. It’s just that Echo won’t know that.

So Takeru resigns himself to his fate, tries to be satisfied with his name, and get through the day.

First stop: the cafe.

Takeru stumbles in, shaking his head to dislodge any leaves that may have gotten stuck in his hair, as they usually do when he walks under the trees outside the cafe. People love autumn, but he’s never been a fan of the windy days. And the leaves may be pretty to look at, but only from a distance. As in, not in his hair.

It’s early enough that Kouhai-chan is still setting up the cafe, barely sparing a moment to wave at him and call out a cheerful, “Good morning, Take-chan!” before she’s dashing into the kitchen.

It’s nice to know that despite how many years it’s been, Kouhai-chan is as energetic as ever. Takeru moves away from the door, heading towards his favorite bean bag seats. He collapses onto them, burrowing into the softness, and almost falls asleep again.

He takes a moment to vow that he’s _never_ getting up this early ever again. How did Kouhai-chan do this on a daily basis?

Takeru doesn’t think much on the matter, mostly because he falls into a light doze, warm and comfortable as Kouhai-chan sings along to the radio as she sets up the cafe. His mind makes the scene then: Kouhai-chan as she was when he last saw her, young and missing a tooth, hair up in pigtails and covered in bandages. His mother laughing as he chases Kouhai-chan around a park, kicking up dirt under the humid summer heat. His father swinging them around when they clutch to his arms, giggling madly.

It almost feels like he’s seven again, bouncing around as he eat breakfasts, excited to go out and play with Kouhai-chan. He’s always wanted siblings; the life of an only child is a lonely one, and it stings to think about how close he was to having a little brother--

(His mother lays pale and weak in the hospital bed, too tired to cry anymore. His father hasn’t said a word in hours. There was so much blood.)

Takeru rubs his hand against his eyes, forcing himself awake. He wasn’t going to think about it, he wasn’t going to think about it--

(The tense silence. The empty space in the house. Kouhai-chan asking him one day why he doesn’t go outside anymore. The sudden move to Kanagawa, no time to say goodbye, _no one thought it would be goodbye--_ )

He doesn’t like mornings anymore. They were too quiet and the air too heavy and the skies too grey. He doesn’t like mornings. He doesn’t like waking up.

With a heavy sigh, Takeru forces himself to sit up straight, maybe go over his homework one last time, make sure everything’s done. Coming back to Hokuto is bringing back all the memories he wishes he’d forgotten. He can’t help but wonder if coming back was really worth it. It was his last year too; no one transfers in their last year before university unless they really have to, and as far as he’s concerned, he didn’t have to.

He may have started the school year at Ikemen high, but that didn’t mean he belonged here. It’s days like these that Takeru misses Kanagawa so much it hurts.

For so many years, he’d called the town of Miura home; now he’s stranded in Hokuto where nothing matches up to the place in his memories. The only friend he knows here is Kouhai-chan, and it’s been so long he no longer knows how to act around her. It’s a crushing loneliness Takeru carries; he misses his old friends. Keiko and her competitiveness, Rei and her impossible dreams, Masaki and his love of animals, even Nino and his pranks.

At least he got to say goodbye this time.

“I’m guessing you need coffee?” Kouhai-chan asks, startling him out of his melancholy thoughts.

“Oh, yeah! That’d be great. I’m going to be a zombie without it today,” he answers, pulling up a smile for her.

“I’ll be right back with that!”

She hurries away, taking her bright energy with her and leaving Takeru behind.

Kouhai-chan has always been bright, happy, looking for the silver lining in every situation. That part of her hasn’t changed, but he doesn’t know if her favorite color is still purple, or if she likes the same foods, or anything about her really. Talking to her feels awkward, like they’re both trying to play roles they don’t fit into anymore. So he doesn’t really talk to her much. They don’t have shared classes, being in different grades, and most of her time is taken up by the cafe.

She was his friend once. Now, she’s a memory he passes by every day.

Takeru has never been the social type. He should be used to this loneliness, but he’s not.

He’s tried to make friends, but groups have already been formed and he can’t push his way in. There’s no space for him, no shared history for him to draw upon, and he winds up on the sidelines every time.

These days, Takeru feels heavy, like the world is pressed down on his shoulders and he can barely take the weight. But he thinks back to being seven, of blood and hospitals and raised voices, and decides that this is better.

This, no matter how lonely or painful, will always be better.

This is also why he doesn’t like being awake so early; mornings always bring out the darker thoughts in him.

Kouhai-chan makes her footsteps loud when she comes back, balancing a tray on her hand, most likely to keep from surprising him again. It’s nice to know that she’s still so observant and kind after all these years.

“Here you are!” she says, handing over a pale blue mug with a fat bear dancing across it. It’s his favorite mug in the cafe, and just seeing it lifts his mood. The coffee still has steam rising from it, and is dark.

As if hearing his thoughts, Kouhai-chan hands over a couple creamers and packs of sugar. “I didn’t know how much you’d like, so I left it black so you could put in whatever you want.”

“Thanks.”

Takeru sets the mug down on the small table in front of the bean bag chair and begins to add in all five sugar packets and two creamers. Kouhai-chan giggles as she heads back to the counter to grab a spoon for him, but doesn’t say anything about how sweet he needs his coffee to be.

To his surprise, Kouhai-chan doesn’t immediately head back to the kitchen, but settles into the bean bag chair across from him, holding the tray in her lap.

“So,” she starts, “What brings you in so early? You’re usually coming in ten minutes before classes start.”

Takeru shrugs. “I had something I needed to do this morning.”

“This early?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Well!” she laughs, “You’re lucky you have a friend who runs a cafe that’ll give you free drinks.”

Takeru immediately starts to protests. “Wait--”

“ _But!_ Only free early in the mornings!”

That’s better. That’s something he wouldn’t feel guilty accepting.

“Thanks,” he smiles, “I owe you my life.”

Kouhai-chan takes that as her cue to start chattering about anything that came to mind. Takeru relaxes into his seat and listens as she tells stories about her classmates and being the only girl in the school.

She’s only gotten started on, “There are no locker rooms for girls, so my first gym class, _everyone_ panicked!” when the cafe door opens, bringing in a gust of wind that makes Takeru wrap his hands tightly around his mug.

“Ai-chan!” Kouhai-chan greets, leaping up to wave him in, “Good morning! Should I get your usual?”

“If you don’t mind.” The voice that responds is light and smooth, holding no early morning grogginess. When Kouhai-chan rushes to the kitchen to prepare his order, the student turns and spots Takeru.

 _Oh,_ Takeru thinks, _He’s in my class._

He’s used to seeing a head of pink two rows ahead of him, diligently taking notes. Either that, or surrounded by other people who he laughs with during breaks. Ai is one of the people Takeru wishes he could talk to, but could never work up the nerve to break into his social circle.

Ai smiles at Takeru and makes his way over to sit across from him. “Hey,” he says, “You’re in my class right? I heard that you just came in this year.”

“Uh, yeah,” he replies, trying to keep his tongue from gluing itself to the top of his mouth.

“Well, did you understand the homework for math? I’m having some trouble with it.”

Math. School work. Yeah, he could handle this.

Takeru nods, reaching for his own bag. “Yeah, I already covered some of the concepts during summer school. Which part is confusing you?”

“Honestly? All of it.”

“It’s a good thing we still have an hour until class starts, we have a lot of work to do.”

Ai groans, falling back dramatically, and from there, it’s easy. The hour slips away quickly, finishing up the homework then chatting about nothing in particular. It’s almost like their friends.

He knows it won’t last, but it’s still nice feeling less alone.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey, Takeru!” Ai chirps as he slides into the seat in front of him.

Takeru freezes where he was reaching down for his bag. “Uh,” he says, as any other person would.

“Are you meeting up with anyone for lunch?”

He shakes his head, shame coloring his cheeks red. It’s already the second trimester, and he hasn’t made any friends and doesn’t have anyone to have lunches with. It’s embarrassing to admit, especially to the one boy he’s wanted to befriend for months now but couldn’t.

“Cool! Hang out with me then,” Ai says, as though nothings wrong at all. He’s still cheerful and social, drawing people in with a smile, but something about he seems tense. He almost looks like someone who wants to escape.

It’s a familiar feeling to Takeru, so he goes with his gut and stands up saying, “Let’s eat outside today.”

The relief in Ai’s eyes is clear as he bounces up and grabs Takeru’s arm to lead him away from the classroom. It’s so different from the boy Takeru’s used to seeing, laughing and throwing arms around shoulders, the definition of a social butterfly.

Ai leads him through the halls, sending smiles to people who call out greetings, but doesn’t stop, dead set on getting outside.

“Wait, wait!” Takeru says, pulling from Ai’s hold on his arm.

“What? What’s wrong?” Ai asks, turning around to face him.

Takeru points towards the student store, where there’s already a crowd forming for lunch. “I didn’t bring my lunch. I was going to buy it.”

Ai pauses. “Oh,” he says, “Right. Sorry. Go get your lunch, I’ll wait here.”

“Did you bring your lunch?”

Takeru frowns when Ai shakes his head. He pulls out his wallet and makes sure he has enough, then says, “I’ll buy you something then.”

“Oh, no, you really don’t have to--” Ai begins, shaking his head.

“Don’t worry,” Takeru says, “You can just do me a favor later.”

He takes a moment to think about this, then slowly steps back and nods, just once. “Alright,” he says, “But you _have_ to let me know as you as you need that favor!”

“Deal.”

Truth be told, Takeru isn’t planning on ever cashing in that favor. He just says what he thinks will make Ai let him buy him lunch. It looks like he’s having a bad day, and Takeru isn’t going to let him go hungry on top of that. That would be cruel.

So he sets off to brave the crowds and manages to snag two curry breads and escape the store intact. He shudders a bit as he pushes past the last ring of students, drawing into himself as much as he can. Takeru isn’t big on physical contact outside of hands and arms; all those arms and shoulders against his back sets his nerves on fire. It’s uncomfortable, and he won’t be able to shake the feeling until he gets home.

“Is this alright?” Takeru asks when he stands before Ai once again, “Sorry, I didn’t think to ask what you wanted.”

Ai takes his curry bread with a smile. “It’s fine!” he says, “Honestly, just buying me lunch is enough, I’d be okay with anything.”

“Still--”

“No, no,” Ai shakes his head, “Seriously, don’t worry about it. Come on, let’s go outside.”

Takeru starts moving before Ai can grab his arm and drag him along. He’s had enough touch for the day, and keeps some distance between them as they walk.

Neither of them try to break the silence. No small talk, no conversation starters; just silence between them that only grows when they find a place outside that’s sheltered from the wind. Takeru is used to the quiet. He doesn’t really speak to anyone at school, and even his parents are distant, focused on their work and too busy to be home. He understands though; it’s a different house, but it’s still difficult to stay there.

Ai, though, is never one to let silence stretch, from what Takeru’s seen of him. He always has a story on the tip of his tongue, a question to prod people into talking, ready to give advice at the drop of a hat. People flock to him naturally, drawn in by his smile, his kindness, his wisdom.

It’s what’s expected of the school’s very own Cupid.

He never knows what to say, so Takeru stays quiet and eats his lunch, taking care not to look at Ai to avoid any awkwardness. And Ai stays quiet, eating slowly, eyes distant and distracted. Takeru wants to ask him what’s wrong, if there’s anything he can do, something to take his mind off of whatever’s eating him, but his throat runs dry and he can’t find his voice.

They don’t speak at all. Not until the bell rings and signals the end of lunch.

Ai stands, sends him a smile, and says, “Thanks for eating with me.”

“Oh, yeah, sure. Anytime. If you don’t want to eat with your friends, I mean.” Takeru wants to bang his head against the wall; he sounds so _stupid_ saying all that.

“What? You are my friend, silly,” Ai frowns, “Unless you don’t want to be?”

“No, no! I want to be your friend! It’s just, well, you’ve never spoken to me before today?”

Ai flushes and ducks his head to avoid eye contact. It’s nothing he’s expecting from the social butterfly Cupid who dances around people, effortlessly jumping from one group to another.

“Sorry,” Ai mutters, “You’re always quiet and withdrawn, so I figured you didn’t want me to bother you. That you prefered to be by yourself.”

Takeru blinks. “Oh.” Ai was just trying to be considerate this whole time. The urge to bang his head on the wall grows; if he wasn’t so shy and quiet, he and Ai would have already been friends, but he’s too socially awkward to talk to people.

 _‘Uuuuuugh,’_ he thinks, before saying, “Sorry, I’m just shy. I don’t really talk to people.”

“Well, we’re talking now!” Ai beams. “Here, I’ll throw away your trash for you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know, but you bought me lunch, so.”

Takeru hands over his trash without an argument and grabs his bag from where it’s laying at his feet. He waits for Ai to return before he turns on his heel, and they walk side by side back to class.

Ai smiles at him again before bounding past him through the door, greeting his friends as he settles back into his desk. He looks lighter than before, less burdened almost. He’s completely relaxed, jumping into a conversation with a laugh and leaving Takeru behind.

It was nice while it lasted.

Takeru goes to his seat and sighs. Even though he knows there won’t be a repeat of this lunch, and that he didn’t really do or say anything, it’s nice to know that something helped Ai get back to his usual self.

Kyouya-sensei enters the classroom and calls for attention, so Takeru forces his gaze away from Ai and pushes his to the back of his mind.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Nerves keep him from checking his letter and seeing if it’s been taken or got a response. So Takeru walks past the bench, forcing his eyes to keep from glancing at it, and makes his way home.

He puts on his headphones and keeps his eyes to the ground. It’s a habit he’s formed since he moved back. In Kanagawa, he never did this; avoided the world, blocked it out with music and prayed no one bothered him on his walk home. No, in Kanagawa he would have left the school with an arm slung around Masaki, laughing at Rei and Keiko as they bickered and Nino antagonized both of them.

Maybe if Takeru spent his entire life lonely, it would still a little less. But he knows friendship, companionship, and the memory of laughing with friends makes the loneliness harder to swallow.

His walk home is quiet. His only companion is the music in his ears.

Just another day.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Takeru walks to school with a soft smile on his face. His mother hugged him before leaving for work; she hadn’t done that in so long. She hasn’t been home much at all. Neither has his father, but Takeru understood. The house was too quiet, too unfamiliar to stay in. Takeru barely managed by staying in his room unless he absolutely had to leave.

Even in a new house, nothing changes.

But his mother is in a better mood, and Takeru is starting to think that maybe things will start to get better, they’ll all start to be a proper family again, and he won’t be so lonely.

The hug from his mother has left him in a good mood, so Takeru finds the energy to leave for school a little earlier than usual. Just twenty minutes earlier, but it feels like something good, so he goes with it.

Once he passes the school gates, he walks to the bench, brave enough to check it.

A folded piece of paper, still there. Takeru squints at it, wonders if the paper is a light pink or if he’s just imagining it, and pulls it out.

And there, in neat handwriting:

_To Teddy_

“Oh,” Takeru says, and folds it open.

 

_Dear Teddy,_

 

_I’ll admit: I didn’t think I was going to get a response! But I’m glad you wrote back. I’m even happier to hear that you’re willing to be my pen pal! I’ve always wanted to have a pen pal but no one really wants to write letters anymore. It’s nice to see that someone else is willing to write on paper (by the way, I love the teddy bear paper you used!)._

_Though I can’t make any promises, I will try to be a little positive for you. There’s no fun in writing so someone who’s down in the dumps all the time, right? But having someone who’s willing to listen to me talk about my problems and get it out onto paper is comforting, so thank you for that. If you have anything you want to talk about, know that you have a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on right here!_

_Your letter did make my day better, and I’m hoping this letter to you makes you smile._

_Your new pen pal,_

_Echo_

 

Takeru folds the letter with care and slips it into his bag.

 _‘Well,’_ he thinks, _‘That’s that, I guess.’_

He spends most of his first class drafting his letter, and practices his handwriting once he finishes his notes. Echo has such nice handwriting, it would be a shame if Takeru’s wasn’t legible. Echo is willing to write to him, share his thoughts in a way he wouldn’t with other people, and let Takeru be the only one to know that side of him. It’s as though Takeru suddenly found a friend.

Maybe he isn’t so alone after all.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey!” Ai drops into the seat besides him, waving at Kouhai-chan. “You seem happy.”

Takeru is happy; he left his letter at the bench just ten minutes earlier. He’s excited to come back tomorrow and check for Echo’s response. He hasn’t looked forward to a tomorrow in years.

“I am happy,” Takeru says. All his nerves seem to have disappeared. Talking to Ai is easy, now, and he finds himself _wanting_ to talk more.

Ai beams at him “That’s good! I’m guessing it’s not something school related?”

“Well, it is, a little bit.”

“Wish I could relate. School and me just never seem to get along! My talent lies elsewhere.”

Takeru tilts his head and reaches for his cup of hot chocolate. “Oh? And what is this talent?”

“Matchmaking of course!” Ai winks at him. “I’m the local Cupid, you know.”

“Well, that explains the wings and the heart arrows.”

Ai shrugs with an easy laugh falling from his lips. “Hey, I had to commit,” he says, and it’s not like anyone can argue against that.

“Fair enough,” Takeru concedes. There’s a smile pulling at his lips that he can’t fight, a warmth in him that can’t be smothered. Here, in the little cafe, with Ai sitting across from him and Echo’s last letter in his bag, Takeru feels so light he fears he may float away.

He wants to tell Ai about it; this feeling, being hopeful for the first time in years, the warmth and happiness he holds in his heart after years of regret and sorrow. He wants to tell Ai about how happy he is to be his friend, of his old friends, of no longer dreading mornings so much. There’s so much he wants to say, so many words bubbling up his throat to the tip of his tongue, that it’s overwhelming.

Takeru swallows it all back down. He and Ai have only been talking for a few days. They didn’t know each other well enough to share such thoughts.

He has Echo for a reason. A pen pal, a promise to listen to all the things they can’t tell the people around them. A confident and a friend in equal measure.

Ai, he thinks, might be that friend too, one day. Already, they seek out each other’s company. Ai’s always at the cafe early, before anyone else, and when Takeru arrives, he joins him to chat until class starts.

It’s nice. Comfortable.

Even though they fall into silence more often than not, it’s not a nervous, awkward silence, but one where they relax and are content to just be with each other. Takeru has spent a few nights worrying if it meant something, when Ai is loud and talkative and energetic with everyone but him. He doesn’t know if it’s a good thing, to have the privilege to see this side of Ai, or a bad thing, for it’s only with him and he isn’t known to be the most extroverted person out there.

“Hey,” Ai says, pulling Takeru out of this thoughts, “What do you think about studying together?”

“Like, before tests?”

“Whenever. Preferably after school everyday so we can review what we learned in class. I totally get if you can’t though! But you’re really smart and I could use some help.”

Takeru blinks and sits up to give Ai his full attention. “Don’t you have kyudo after school?” he asks. He knows how demanding some of the clubs here can be, with practice or meetings everyday and on some weekends. He knows kyudo demands a lot of practice time; it’s not just archery, shooting an arrow into a target, but a long, traditional process that includes dressing up and taking care of all the bows and arrows. And he knows Ai is dedicated to kyudo, more that he is to school work. Takeru doesn’t want to say yes and guilt him into skipping practice just to study.

“I could talk to the coach and figure out a few days where I can skip practice,” Ai suggest, visibly downtrodden at the idea.

“We could just study after your club gets out,” Takeru suggests. “It’s not like I have to be home immediately after school. My parents don’t come home until eight, it’ll be fine.”

“Wait, really? You’re willing to wait for me?”

Takeru shrugs, a little uncomfortable with how Ai’s eyes practically glow with gratitude. He’s just being nice, it’s not that strange. “Sure,” he says, “I could wait here at the cafe, or watch your practices.”

“Yeah!” Ai reaches across the table to grab Takeru’s hands. “That’d be great! We always love having people watch our practices! Do you want to come by today?”

“Sure.”

Ai beams, and Takeru can’t help but smile back, albeit small and hesitant.

And that’s how it begins.

They don’t spend lunch together, but Ai makes sure to stop by his desk and whisper to him about how two students both came to him to ask for advice, and don’t realize they’re crushing on each other. Takeru wished him luck with his newest matchmaking pair and went out to buy his own lunch.

He doesn’t mind having to spend time alone, even with being Ai’s friend. They have different passions, different things to worry about. It’s expected. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel lonely anymore, but the bite isn’t so bad when he knows Ai will come back to him eventually.

Eventually ends up being the end of class, after they’ve all bowed and are released for the day. Takeru barely has time to grab his bag before Ai’s at his side, grinning, and grabs his arm to lead him to the second gym.

He calls out a greeting when he enters the gym, and Takeru ducks his head, suddenly shy like it’s the beginning of the school year and he doesn’t know anyone in the school.

“Go sit wherever,” Ai says as he lets go of Takeru. “I’ll be right back!”

He slips away quickly to the changing room, leaving Takeru on his own. Takeru stands for a moment, watching Ai disappear, then looks around and sits down on the floor, resting his back against the wall far enough away that he doesn’t think he’ll be in the way. A few other club members glance at him, which makes him shrink into himself in the hopes that they’ll look away, but they largely ignore him to focus on practice.

Ai comes out in a hakama over a gi, with a chest guard and glove. The bow he carries is large, almost as large as he is, a long, dark, elegant thing. Ai pulls something out of his pocket and uses it to pin his bangs back; he looks messy, energetic, alive in a way Takeru hasn’t seen before.

Takeru bites his lip. Apparently he has a thing for traditional wear. Who knew.

But _wow,_ everyone in the club is attractive and it’s honestly not fair, especially to his fragile heart.

Someone from the club talks to Ai for a few moments, then pats him on the shoulder and pushes him towards Takeru. Ai goes with a laugh and jogs across the gym to join Takeru again, just as he promised.

“Hey!” he says, carefully smoothing his hakama out before sitting on his knees in seiza. “So, practice usually runs for about two hours. We do have a ten minute break after the first hour, but for the most part you’ll be on your own. A few other students come to watch too, if you want to sit with them. Or you can sit in the cafe and come back when Kouhai-chan closes it.”

“Ai,” Takeru says, gently stopping his rambling. “It’s fine. I don’t mind being here for two hours. I don’t know much about kyudo, so this will be interesting! Besides, I have plenty of things to work on if I get bored. Don’t worry so much.”

Ai flushes and ducks his head with a bashful laugh. “Right. Sorry. But seriously, don’t think you’re obligated to stay here for two hours, okay?”

“I promise that I can entertain myself if I get bored. Now stop worrying about me and go practice,” Takeru waves Ai off, watching him join the rest of the club, and settles back against the wall to watch.

He freely admits to ogling the members of the kyudo club as they stretched, showing off lean legs and muscled arms. Takeru glances down at his own thin arms and wonders about joining a sports club, maybe kendo, and buffing up a bit. But being in a club requires being social and he’s not really social or a club person, so. He’ll have to live with being a twig person.

The thought of someone catching him staring worries him, so Takeru pulls out his Anything Notebook from his bag, the one notebook he carried with him everywhere that was for anything except school work. He’s halfway through, but after three other notebooks, he knows what he’s doing so the pages run out quick, covered in doodles and text, post it notes and stickers.

Takeru fishes out a purple pen from his bag and begins to write the date as neatly as possible. He does his best to keep his hand steady and creates a geometric border that he divides into three sections. In the largest section, the middle, he switches out his pen for a pencil and begins to sketch out a kyudo bow. He glances up to double check the design, focusing on Ai’s bow, then traces over the pencil sketch with a black pen.

 _Invited to be a permanent audience in the kyudo club_ he writes besides it, then draws an arrows leading away from it. Where the arrow ends, he takes a red pen and draws an arrow with a heart at the end.

 _Invitation to stick around Ai? (I hope so!)_ he writes, then draws a quick box around it.

These notebooks have been a constant in his life since the move to Kanagawa. These daily entries quickly became a way to sort out his thoughts, to preserve his memories of each day, to step away from the world for a bit and put down whatever he wanted. It’s not just journal entries either; his Anything Notebooks are for _anything._ In the pages Takeru has old shopping lists, hastily scribbled down titles of books or movies, directions to a new store, little reminders to do this or that when he got home.

His notebooks are a way to put his life into pages.

It’s only after he’s put in two colors under his _Mood_ section in the top of the page that he looks up. Journaling is a quick way to lose track of time, but Takeru’s still surprised that the club is done with stretches and have finished setting up targets.

He sets aside his notebook and pens to watch, focusing on Ai as he slowly lifts the bow straight up over his head, left arm completely straight, then, with great care, pulls the arrow back as he lowers to bow to aim at his target.

Takeru can’t help but stare as the drawing of the bow shows how the muscles in Ai’s back move, a show of strength he never imagined could come from the big-hearted Cupid.

Ai holds the position, focused, and lets out a slow breath that lowers his shoulders, then releases the arrow. It sings through the air and hits the target just to the side of the center. Ai lets out another slow breath and lowers the bow.

And then has the audacity to turn to Takeru with a smile and flash him a peace sign.

He’s got the muscle and the charm. How unfair.

Still, Takeru gives him a thumbs up and slams his face into his notebook the moment Ai looks away.

 _‘Why is everyone so pretty,’_ he despairs, then goes back to watching them practice because he loves to suffer.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Dear Teddy,_

 

_I have some great news to share with you! You know how I was talking about feeling like I had no real friends in my first letter? Well, I think I found someone who genuinely wants to be my friend! He hasn’t mentioned anything about romance, is actually interested in my hobbies, doesn’t push me to be super upbeat all the time, and enjoys my company! At least, I hope he does. Maybe things will start to look up for me at school!_

_Home, on the other hand, is another problem completely. I know you said I could talk to you about anything and you’d listen, but I’m still not sure where the boundaries are. So let me know if you’d rather I didn’t talk about this. My parents have been fighting for a while. And by that, I mean a few years. I don’t like being in that house, it’s so negative. So I barely eat, I have trouble sleeping, I can’t focus on my homework. It’s pretty bad. And I’m just. So tired._

_No one wants me to talk about that though, or about any other negative thing in my life. No one wants the me that comes with problems. They all want to happy go lucky guy who can help with their love lives. I wish I mattered more than that. But I don’t think I ever will, even with a friend who lets me be me for just a few minutes._

_I’m glad I can talk to you, Teddy. I always look forward to your letters. You’ve become the best part of my life._

_Here’s hoping for a brighter day,_

_Echo_

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Dear Echo,_

 

_I’m glad to hear you made such a great friend! I’ve also made a friend, one who reached out to me despite me being so shy and awkward. Looks like our school lives are looking up!_

_I am sorry to hear that your parents are arguing and it’s affecting you so negatively. I’ve been in the same boat as you, actually. It’s just that sometimes the yelling was directed at me, and sometimes there was no yelling at all, just painful silence. It’s been years since the last huge fight, but my parents have drifted apart from each other and from me. Grief truly made monsters of us all. Even now I hate being at home. It’s too quiet and too empty. I don’t think we’ll ever truly heal._

_No matter what you think, I’ll always be here to listen. Even if the topic is dark and horrible, I promise to listen. You don’t have to talk about things if you don’t want to, but I will always be ready to listen when you need me to. Holding in all those negative thoughts lets it fester into something dark and consuming. It’s happened to me. It still is, really. But talking about it, getting it all off your chest, does help. And no matter what, you’ll always matter to me._

_Your letters are what make me want to wake up in the morning. I’m glad I found your letter that day, Echo. I’m glad I met you._

_Always here for you,_

_Teddy_

 

 

* * *

 

 

He’s touch-starved. Takeru knows this; he’s always been touchy, always been more physical. He pulls his friends close and holds them, slings his arms over their shoulders, drapes himself over their back. It’s a source of comfort, a physical reminder that he’s not alone. But he only gets touchy when he’s comfortable around someone.

There had been no one he’d been comfortable with at Ikemen High School. Not until now.

Not until Ai.

Through all the practices Takeru has sat in on, all the mornings in the cafe, all the lunches shared together, all the after school study sessions, Takeru finds himself seeking Ai’s company. He finds himself leaning closer, walking with barely any distance between them, no longer pulling away from touch.

He starts slow, worried that too much will scare Ai off. Just letting their shoulders bump as they walk, sitting a little closer, things like that. Little. Barely noticeable.

Ai doesn’t seem to notice, thankfully. He just goes with it; it’s not surprising, considering how he’s also touchy, always grabbing Takeru’s arm to get him to follow along.

The problem is, it’s not enough. Takeru wants to collapse onto Ai, press their bodies together, stay close enough that every movement can be felt by the other. He just doesn’t want to feel so alone anymore. He just wants to feel like he matters.

His house is too empty, his parents too distant, his life too lonely. Takeru feels it like an ache in his chest, constant and painful.

“Takeru?” Ai asks. Kyudo practice had ended without him noticing. Enough time passed that the gym was cleaned up and Ai had changed out of his gi.

“Hey,” he says, pushing himself up to his feet. “Sorry, I zoned out and didn’t notice you come. Ready to go?”

Ai observes him for a moment; Takeru can’t meet his eyes.

Ai nods. “Yeah, let’s go.”

He falls into place besides Takeru as they walk out the gym, steps synching up and shoulders bumping. Takeru wants to lean into that meager contact until the ache lessens some. He doesn’t, though. Just keep walking forward feelings too heavy to carry his body.

“Takeru?”

It’s just a bad day. Nothing to bother anyone about. He thinks of Echo and wishes he were here. Echo would know what he’s feeling. Echo would know what he needs.

“Takeru.” Ai pulls him to a stop, just a street away from the park they study at. “Are you okay? You’ve been down all day. I haven’t seen you smile once, and I’m worried about you.”

Takeru shakes his head and tries to muster up a smile. “It’s just a bad day. I promise I’ll be fine tomorrow.”

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel a little better?”

He shakes his head again. Ai sighs, and for a moment, the two of them are stuck in the silence.

“...Okay,” Ai says, and turns to resume his walk to the park. But he doesn’t let go of Takeru. He keeps his hand wrapped around Takeru’s forearm and guides him, a steady warmth that he wants to sink into.

Ai’s grip tightens when they get to the park, and he doesn’t let go even when they reach the tree they usually sit under. He doesn’t let go, just drops his backpack and pulls Takeru down to sit with him.

“I don’t have anything comforting to say,” Ai starts, pulling Takeru close, “But I can give great hugs. So. Do you want a hug?”

Takeru freezes, heart in his throat. Did he want a--

“Yes. I-- Please.”

“Okay.”

And that’s that. Ai pulls him even closer, wraps Takeru in his arms and holds tight. He can’t help the wounded noise that forces its way out of his throat, and drops his forehead against Ai’s shoulder and slips his arms around Ai’s waist.

The ache diminishes. It fades away under warmth and contentedness; it’s hard to feel alone when wrapped up in someone else’s arms. Ai doesn’t move, doesn’t shift or ever try to push him away. He just holds Takeru with a gentleness that makes him want to cry. His eyes slip close without him realizing and he relaxes against Ai completely.

He doesn’t know how long they stay like that. Long enough that Ai rests his head against Takeru’s and shifts so Takeru is all but in his lap. Long enough that the street lights begin to turn on under an orange sky.

When he finally pulls away, he whispers, “Thank you.”

“Of course. I told you I give great hugs!”

“You did,” Takeru laughs, feeling light and comfortable. “You did. And you were right.”

“So now you know to come to me for a hug whenever you’re feeling down.”

Takeru nods. If Ai’s offering, he’s not going to be a fool and turn him down. “Who else would I go to?”

Ai leans in and nudges Takeru’s shoulder. He doesn’t pull away.

“Who else indeed.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

_My dearest friend Teddy,_

 

_The yelling has escalated into slamming doors and breaking things. I’ve never been afraid of my parents before, but I can’t help it now. I stay out of their way though, to the point where I haven’t seen either of my parents properly for months. I hate this. All the fighting gets under my skin and stays there, and I have to carry it around. No one wants to know about my problems, but they want me to fix theirs and I feel like I’m going to break apart._

_On the bright side, I’m not alone. My friend is always there for me, just as you are. He’s a quiet one, but everything about him is kind and calm. I forget about my parents when I’m with him. And with you, it doesn’t feel so overwhelming._

_On a brighter note! I haven’t gotten a 100% on a test since elementary school, but I got a perfect score on my latest literature test! All the studying is paying off and I feel like I don’t have to stress about my grades so much. And with good grades, I can stay in my club and continue practicing!_

_I hope things are well for you, Teddy. You’re kind and caring. If anyone deserves happiness, it’s you._

_Yours,_

_Echo_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_To my greatest friend Echo,_

 

_I wish I could take all your hurts and bear them for you. Their fighting isn’t your fault, but still your parents make you carry the burden of it. But getting away really is the best you can do. It’s what I did. It’s what my parents did too. We all ran away from each other, ran away from the pain and the loss and the cause of the problem. We never talked about it, not really. It got to the point where we moved to a different prefecture to run away and try to start over. In all honesty, I don’t think I can stop running away. I don’t think I’m strong enough to. All my life I’ve been running from my problems, my fear and grief and pain, and I don’t know how to stop._

_That being said, I am glad you have such a great friend you can go to! When family falls apart, it's our friends that keep us safe and loved. I have a friend here that keeps me from breaking down. He doesn’t pry, doesn’t push, just comforts me and stands by my side. How lucky are we to have such great people in our lives? And with you, I feel like I can open up and be completely honest, show all the parts of me I hide away from everyone else. So thank you for being here._

_I’m happy to hear that you’re doing so well in school right now! Honestly, I feel like all I’m good at is studying, so I’ve never really worried, but it’s my last year of high school before I go to university and it’s making me super nervous. I don’t know what I want to do with my life or what I want to study or if I even want to go to university. I’m glad you can focus more on your club and do what you enjoy!_

_Before I end this letter, I do have a quick question to ask you. We’re both using a made up name, yeah? Do you ever wonder about who I am? Because sometimes I wonder who you are, what your voice sounds like, what you look like, all that, and I feel guilty about it since you probably don’t want to be found. You’re very dear to me, and I want you to stay in my life. I’m afraid that without knowing who we are, we’ll lose each other one day. Do you think we will?_

_Wishing you a peaceful week,_

_Teddy_

 

 

* * *

 

 

_My dear Teddy,_

 

_Is it alright if I ask you what happened that made your family run away? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but I am curious, since you relate so much to what I’m experiencing right now. It’s quiet right now. Both my parents are out. They’re going to get a divorce, maybe not soon, but eventually. Is it bad that I’m relieved? I know divorce is a bad thing, but we’ll all be happier once it’s done. I’m so tired of being afraid to come home, of leaving as soon as I can and going hungry just to get away from them._

_I’m with you on university. I have no idea where I want to go or what I want to study. No idea what career path would suit me either. But we’re still growing up, still figuring out who we are, and university is still months away. I should start general studying for entrance exams though, but I think we have enough on our plates to push worry about the future back for a few more months._

_I love my friends dearly; you and my quiet friend especially so. I won’t lie: I didn’t want anyone to find this letter and know it was from me. I didn’t want it to be a big thing. The only thing that kept me from being lonely for so long was this persona of a happy person who never had a bad day. If people knew the truth, I was afraid I’d lose everyone. I’m still scared. But I do wonder who you are. Part of me wants to meet you, see you in person, give you a hug if you’d let me. Part of me is scared I won’t live up to your expectations and I’d lose you forever. And if we never reveal who we are to each other, we’ll still lose each other. At least meeting will give us both closure._

_Is it okay if I’m not ready for that yet? I know we go to the same school and are in the same grade, but beyond that, we don’t know anything about each other. Is it okay if it stays that way for a bit? And if we get to graduation without ever revealing ourselves, how about this: the last letters we leave before graduation will be our shoe locker number. We’ll leave each other’s phone numbers in our lockers so I can contact you and you can contact me. And we won’t lose each other. We’ll be alright, I think. We have each other don’t we?_

_With all my love,_

_Echo_

 

 

* * *

 

 

_My sweetest Echo,_

 

_When I was seven, my mom had a miscarriage. We were all excited for the baby. I always wanted a younger sibling, and I was so close to having a little brother. But my mother collapsed in pain one day. There was so much blood. She was rushed to the hospital and the doctors had to stop the bleeding. I was young, and I didn’t really understand what happened, but I knew I lost my baby brother. My parents cried a lot, and my dad tried to be there for my mom, but she blamed herself and it turned into a lot of yelling. Under all that stress and grief, my father started yelling back. I tried to make things better but it just led to them yelling at me. We all fell apart and I avoided them. The quiet in the house, the unused nursery, and the empty space in our family was too much to bear so we packed up and ran without saying goodbye._

_I never really got the chance to understand what happened and why and work through that pain, so it still hurts. I just keep trying to run from it. So. That’s my sob story._

_I do hope we’ll meet before graduation, but if we don’t, then the phone numbers will work. Until you’re ready, I’ll wait. You’re worth waiting for. That won’t stop me from wondering, but I won’t actively look for you, I promise._

_Though I’ve said it before, it bears repeating: I’m glad I met you._

_Yours,_

_Teddy_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Like their very first lunch together, Ai drags Takeru outside, tense and desperate to be alone. Though, alone seems to include Takeru these days. And like that first day, Takeru stops Ai to buy them both lunch. Ai didn’t even try to protest, a testament to how bad he’s feeling.

Takeru has never been good at comforting people. He was good at running from his problems, not confronting them and dealing with them. He had no advice besides meaningless words that he hoped would lighten the mood some. So he doesn’t push Ai, doesn’t encourage him to talk about what has him so upset, doesn’t do anything, really. He just hands Ai an onigiri and sits besides him, shivering in the cold.

They eat silently, Ai staring at the ground and Takeru glancing at him every few minutes. Despite how cold it is outside, Ai doesn’t seem to notice. He must be cold, with nothing but a coat to keep him warm. In two jackets and a scarf, Takeru is still shivering, and he’s getting more concerned by the second.

He sits and bears it. Part of him wants to ask Ai if he’s cold at all, but Ai goes outside with him for silence, and Takeru isn’t going to be the one who ruins it.

Ai finishes his onigiri and crumples the plastic wrapping in his fist.

“Hey, Takeru?” he says, making Takeru turn to face him so fast he’s sure he got whiplash.

“Yeah?” His voice is rough and he wants to bang his head on the wall. What a great response.

“What do you think of me?”

That brings him up short. Of all the things he was expecting to hear, that question wasn’t one of them. Takeru worries his lip between his teeth, looking away from Ai as he tries to get his thoughts together into an understandable answer.

“I think,” he starts, “I think that you’re kind. And bright. You have this way of attracting people to you and making even the worst days more bearable. I think that you’re someone who goes out of his way for other people to the point where you neglect yourself. I think you’re much more than I am, and I still wonder why you decided to be my friend. But I also know you’re better than your pride, you’re not afraid to ask for help, and your passion is the strongest thing about you. I really enjoy studying with you and watching you at kyudo practice. I think you’re the brightest person I know with a heart bigger than the sun, and I really admire you for it.”

Ai stares, gaping slightly, his eyes beginning to well with tears. He stares until Takeru looks away nervously, tugging at his sleeves as he worries that he said too much. Ai blinks rapidly and swallows heavily. “Oh,” he says, bringing up a hand to quickly wipe away a tear. “Oh.”

“...Is that a good ‘oh’? Or a bad ‘oh’?”

“A good ‘oh’. Definitely a good ‘oh’.”

“That’s… good then. Um. Sorry for making you cry?”

Ai shakes his head and pushes Takeru’s shoulder blindly as he drags his arm across his eyes. “Shut up, it’s fine. It’s a good crying. It’s happy crying. I’m really glad you said all that. Thank you.”

Takeru reaches out, first hesitantly, then with more conviction, and lays an arm around Ai’s shoulders, pulling him in closer until there’s no space between them. Ai immediately shifts closer, bringing his arms up to wrap around Takeru’s waist and rest his forehead on his shoulder. Takeru relaxes into the hug, stops being so tense, and gently runs his fingers through Ai’s hair.

They sit there for a while, basking in the comfort of each other’s presence, until Ai shifts back a bit and says, “Did you know that I’ve never been in love?”

“Woah, what?”

He smiles. “Yeah, I’ve never been in love before. Never had crush, never had a relationship.”

Takeru blinks, stunned. “But you’re the school’s Cupid? People go to you for relationship advice.”

Ai looks up at Takeru with a mischievous smile. “I know,” he says, “I play the part well, don’t you think?”

“Literally _how,_ ” Takeru says, unsure if he’ll ever recover from the shock.

“I was in drama club in middle school. Dropped it last year to focus on kyudo. I still make a great actor though.”

“You really are,” Takeru agrees, “Wow. Did not expect that. Wait, is that part of why you were upset today?”

At the mention of his earlier mood, Ai loses his smile and looks away. Immediately, Takeru’s berating himself for bringing it up again just as he was getting Ai to smile and laugh again.

“It is,” Ai admits with a sigh.

“Do you want to talk about it? Get it off your chest?”

“You wouldn’t mind?”

Takeru shakes his head. “Not at all! I want you to feel better, and talking about a problem usually helps with that.”

“Well,” Ai says, leaning back against Takeru. “I guess I just. Don’t know why people keep coming to me for advice? And I can’t admit that I have no idea what I’m talking about. Everyone would hate me and I’d be alone.”

“You’d still have me,” Takeru interjects. It brings a small smile back onto Ai’s face.

“Yeah, I guess I would,” he says. “Still, people would stop talking to me, stop being my friend, and I’d be mostly alone. I can’t stand being alone. I wish I could tell people, but I’ve been lying so long I don’t know how to stop. I want to help people, but they only want help with relationships, which is literally the one thing I can’t really help with.”

Takeru doesn’t know what to say. He’s never been in a relationship either. Sure he’d have a few crushes on people, but nothing ever came from it.   

“Sometimes,” he begins, pausing to get his thoughts in order, “Sometimes an outsider view is the most helpful thing you can give someone. Even though you’ve never been in a relationship or had a crush, that doesn’t mean you can’t help them. And it’s not like you’re doing it to set people up for failure. You genuinely want to help, so your advice does help because you can see what other people can’t. I mean, it’s not like being in a relationship is a requirement for matchmaking, right?”

“That’s true,” Ai says, sounding thoughtful. “I never looked at it like that. I guess it’s not such as bad thing, then.”

“Of course it’s not! Dating isn’t the only way to be happy. Everyone gets so focused on relationships that they forget about everything else in the world. You don’t, though, and that’s what makes your advice so helpful.”

“Thanks, Takeru. Talking did make me feel better.”

Something in Takeru’s chest loosens, some knot of worry that had built up and was slowly tightening around his lungs. “I’m glad,” he says.

Ai smiles again, bright again now that the weight of his thoughts has left him. Something in his eyes shine warm, something that makes Takeru want to keep him close, but the bell calls for the end of lunch and the moment is gone.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_My loveliest Teddy,_

 

_I won second at a competition! These competitions always make me so nervous, but my friend came with me and kept making me laugh so I forgot my nerves. I had to go home afterwards though and tell my parents about the competition. It’s the only time they really talk to me anymore. They congratulated me, then argued about who did the best job raising me. I left before they could drag me into it, but I wish they could stop fighting for ten minutes and let me enjoy something._

_On a happier note: my last essay was a 97! I’ve never been good at writing, but I got a lot of help and actually have a better idea of how to write, and it paid off! My grades have been making me really happy lately, which has never happened before._

_I’ve also been thinking about who you might be and maybe meeting you, and the idea isn’t so scary anymore. Maybe we’ll meet soon. Who knows? I do want to hug you until you can’t breathe; reading about how your mother’s miscarriage affected your family nearly made me cry. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and alone too. I wish I could take that pain away, and though I know I can’t, I hope I’ll be able to make it more bearable for you._

_All my love,_

_Echo_

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Dear Echo, the fairest of them all,_

 

_Congrats! Second place is amazing! I also went to a competition to support my friend and distracted him until he stopped freaking out. I’m sorry to hear that your parents are still fighting and upsetting you so much. They really should care more about you than their own problems. University will come soon, though, and then you can leave the house and their fighting behind. Just a little longer, right?_

_I’m glad your happy with your grades! All I do is study so I’ve never had to worry about them much, since studying was all I could do to ignore my parents fighting and how lonely I was. It’s not a bad thing, though, since I’ve always loved learning. All I would watch when I was a kid, besides Power Rangers, Kamen Rider, and Pokemon, were science and history shows. I also loved nature documentaries and would watch them whenever they came on._

_Sometimes I think I know you, just from the things you tell me, and other times I wonder if I’ve ever met you since you don’t seem like anyone I know. Admittedly, I don’t know many people at all, but still. Don’t pressure yourself into meeting me. If you want to, I’ll be here. If you don’t want to, I’ll still be here, though we may turn to texting instead. I would never say no to a hug from you though. And don’t worry, just talking to you makes me much happier. Talking to you makes me feel like I can get through anything. I hope I can help you as much as you’ve helped me._

_With lots of love,_

_Teddy_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Here’s the thing: all the pet names and openings to each letter were supposed to be a joke. Just something that escalated into a competition, where they try to one-up each other by coming up with sweeter names and phrases.

It’s just supposed to be a joke. A fun little game between Teddy and Echo.

Here’s the thing: it’s not a game, not anymore. Not to Takeru, at least.

It may have started as a game, something that made him smile and laugh. But now each letter, each pet name, makes him smile and blush, his heart stuttering in his chest. It’s serious now, and he wishes it wasn’t. They’re just pen pals. They’re just two people who write letters to each other with fake names, talking about things no one else in their life knows. Takeru was never supposed to fall for Echo, someone so dear to him, so lovely and kind and hurting, more real than anyone else he’s met. He doesn’t know who Echo really is, doesn’t know what to do besides write him letters. He was never supposed to fall in love, but now he is and he doesn't know what to do.

Echo is caring, always offering a kind word, a listening ear, sharing his fears and worries and telling Takeru how much he cares about him. Of course Takeru would fall in love with him, but Echo might never meet him.

Loving Echo is a heart break in the making.

Still, he doesn’t stop.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Dear Teddy, the light of my life,_

 

_Since my parents have been gone most nights and I can actually eat at home and get enough sleep, I’ve been feeling great! Hopefully this lasts. I can’t remember the last time I got through a week without once feeling like I was going to pass out. I’m glad you’re doing well, too. Midterms are coming up and everyone’s super stressed, but with all the studying I’ve been doing, I feel like I’ll survive. How about you? Think you’ll make it to see break?_

_And about break. We won’t be able to send each other letters. Honestly, I have no friends outside of school. Everyone in school forgets about me the moment they’re out. I’ll miss you like crazy over break if we can’t talk to each other. Should we exchange numbers? Or just wait? It’ll only be two weeks._

_Yours,_

_Echo_

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Dear my darling Echo,_

 

_I’m glad to hear you’ve been doing better! I do hope it’ll last; being stressed in this cold is the quickest way to get sick. Midterms never stress me out since I go over everything anyways. It’s no different from any other test, to me. I’m happy to hear that you’re doing well and are going to survive testing! I don’t know how I’d go on if you perish during your math midterm._

_It is only two weeks. But it’s still a long time to go without you, since we’ve been writing to many letters. We could exchange numbers, or find a new place just outside of school to put our letters. If you really feel up to it, we could also meet before break. I’m fine with whatever you want to do._

_Already missing you,_

_Teddy_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Midterms go by fast. The weeks beforehand were spent preparing, creating study guides while Ai was busy with kyudo practice, organizing his notes so the both of them could get the most out of their study sessions in the park. They throw themselves into it, reviewing, quizzing each other, and making flashcards.

Echo seemed to be busy too; their letters went from once every day or every other day to once a week. Takeru wished they could send more letters before break, but the need to do well on his midterms was too strong to resist. So they both agreed to keep the letters to a minimum until they passed their midterms.

Ai went at studying with the same steady focus he had during kyudo when he aimed at a target and drew the arrow back. Takeru would sometimes glance up from his notes and get lost in admiring Ai’s eyes, or his hands, or his arms, and would have to force himself to look away. Ai, too, would sometimes stare at him with the same focus, then blush and mutter something when he was caught.

Takeru figured that all the studying was taking its toll on Ai, but Ai refused to slow down when they were so close to the testing period.

So he let it go and tried not to be too surprised when Ai hugged him tight when they finished their last study session and packed up to go home.

“Thanks for helping,” he said, “I’m glad you’re my friend.” And then he left, leaving Takeru stunned and happy and at a loss for words.

And then, the blur of all those weeks studying goes by and before he knows it, Takeru is walking out of his last test, dazed and tired, but free.

He leaves the school with the rest of the students, all excited for the break. Though he looks for him, Takeru can’t spot Ai and has to go on without him. He figures Ai is just with his other friends and decides not to worry about it.

He makes a quick stop at the bench and takes Echo’s last letter and puts it in his bag. The whirlwind of the past few weeks gave him little time to actually read Echo’s letters and he had to push away all his feelings to write back his own letters. With school over for the second trimester, Takeru figures that now’s as good as time as any to read all the letters and see how Echo was during the prep weeks for midterms.

The house is still empty when he gets home, as it always is, and Takeru is quick to kick off his shoes and take refuge in his bedroom to escape the quiet of the house. It may be more familiar now, more comfortable, but he doesn’t think any place will really feel like home until his parents stop running as well.

With a great sigh, Takeru drops onto his bed and pulls the letter out of his bag. He takes the stack of Echo’s letters from his bedside table as well and lays back to read through them all.

 

 

_Dear Teddy, my sweetheart,_

 

_I feel like I’m going to fall asleep walking, I’ve been studying so much. It’s not as bad as it has been in the past, but I’m still so tired. I don’t think there’s a single student here who isn’t exhausted. Even Kouhai-chan is burning out. I saw her dump salt into coffee and drop a plate into the trash while holding the actual garbage until she got to the kitchen. Club is on break as well so no one accidentally hurts someone with how tired we all are._

_On top of that, there’s another problem that I’ve been trying to deal with. I don’t quite have the courage to talk about it yet, but still. It’s been eating at me. I hope studying is going well for you, and remember to eat and get enough sleep!_

_Your very exhausted penpal,_

_Echo_

 

_Teddy, mon couer,_

 

_I think I fell asleep in class but I’m not sure. I might have dreamed about something weird going on in class, but at this school, it might have just been class that day. Not sure if it was real, a dream, or a hallucination. So these prep weeks have been going great for me._

_I’ve been think about it a lot, and I think I’m ready to talk about it._

_I have a crush on my friend, my only true friend, and I’m terrified. Don’t say anything about it please, not until break is over. But I have a crush on him. I’ve never had a crush before. It’s so strange. I get what people mean when they talk about butterflies in their stomach. Honestly, it’s kind of awful. And having spent so many years listening to my parents fight made me stop believing in love. It’ll always fade away. It’ll never last. So why bother loving? But now I feel like trying and it’s terrifying._

_Trying not to collapse,_

_Echo_

 

_Dearest darling Teddy bear,_

 

_I went home yesterday and fell asleep on the couch. Woke up in my bed. Pretty sure my dad moved me, but it could have been my mom since she’s super strong. Neither of them were home when I woke up. Also, I didn’t wake up when I was moved? I’m a light sleeper, which is why their yelling always keeps me up, but I slept like a rock last night since I’ve been so exhausted._

_Besides that, I want to run and hide from my friend so he doesn’t find out that I have a crush on him, but I also want to spend all my time with him so I guess I have to die. He’s also very friendly, and I’m very touchy, so it’s torture having him so close but having it all be platonic. How am I supposed to study when I’m practically in his lap or holding his hand? If I fail any midterms, I’m blaming him and getting financial compensation from him._

_Possibly sleep writing this,_

_Echo_

 

_Sweetheart Teddy bear,_

 

_Two days. We have two days left before midterms. I’m so tired I can see sounds right now. I might have also drank three coffees and a Redbull so I’m not sure which plane of existence I’m currently on._

_I don’t have much more to say right now. I wish I could take the butterflies in my stomach and set them on fire. Having a crush is terrifying, but knowing how deeply I feel is even more scary. And what’s scarier is that he’s not the only one I have a crush on._

_Please put me out of my misery,_

_Echo_

 

 

Takeru rolled over onto his side, dropping the letters on his pillow.

This is what he was afraid of: loving a pen pal who’s real name he didn’t know was setting himself up for heartbreak. And here it is. The heartbreak.

 _‘Well done, Takeru. You really know how to pick them,’_ he thinks to himself bitterly. The ache in his chest is dull and constant, a pressure on his ribs that makes it feel like he’s halfway to drowning.

Takeru loves Echo but Echo loves someone else, someone he knows in person. There’s no competition. Just heartache.

Still, Takeru has an entire break to get over it. Two weeks of being alone to get over his feelings and be the friend Echo needs. He has two weeks to start running and leave this behind him. Takeru lets out a deep breath and reaches for the last letter, the one he grabbed on his way out the school.

He can do this.

 

_Dear Teddy, my dearest and sweetest,_

 

_I hope midterms went well for you! I’m hopeful that all my studying will pay off and I’ll get a good grade on all my tests! And now we’re done with the studying and testing (or you should be when you get this letter), we can both get some sleep._

_I’ve been thinking and I’ve decided that if you want to, we could meet in person when break is over. If you want to, I’ll be at school an hour before classes start at the bench, the first day back. I can’t wait to see you/talk to you again once break is over._

_Yours, truly and completely,_

_Echo_

 

Two weeks. Two weeks without letters, without Echo, without Ai. Two weeks until he meets Echo face to face and reveals who he is. Takeru wants to scream, or maybe cry, or maybe just laugh until he stops feeling to twisted up inside.

“I can’t do this,” he mutters, then stacks the letters back on his bedside table and turns off the light to go to sleep.

When he wakes up, it’s just barely dawn. The sky is still grey and the sun is barely peeking over the horizon. Fog dances over the tops of houses. Mornings feel especially cold in the winter, and the floor is nearly ice, even with socks on. Once Christmas and New Years passes, the worst of the cold will fade away as spring begins its approach.

Takeru rubs his eyes, waking up slowly, then forces himself out of his bed and down to the kitchen. To his surprise, his mother is already awake, cutting fruits at the counter.

“Morning,” he says.

She turns and smiles when she spots him. “Good morning. Did you sleep well? You went to be without eating dinner.”

“I just finished midterms, I was tired.”

“Alright, well sit down and I’ll have breakfast ready for you in a few minutes.” She gestures to the stools at the counter with the knife, so Takeru goes and sits down, wondering if he should say anything else. It’s been so long since any of them had had an actual conversation. It almost feels like he’s talking to a stranger.

His mother doesn’t try to keep a conversation going. She turns back to the cutting board and finishes up cutting everything and dumps it all into two bowls. She places one in front of Takeru and is turns to take out a couple eggs and a small frying pan.

Takeru eats silently, watching his mother move around the kitchen like he’s six years old again and his mother is still young without the weight of grief holding her down. He wonders if his father is home too, sleeping in, or if he’s disappeared under work again. He wonders how long his mother will be home. He wonders when they’ll all stop running.

“So,” his mother says, drawing his attention from his bowl of fruit as he cracks an egg over the frying pan, “How did your tests go?”

“Okay,” Takeru says, shrugging, “I studied a lot for it. Been studying a lot every night since school started. I’m sure I passed.”

“That’s good! I was never a good student, so you definitely didn’t get it from me,” she jokes. It does make Takeru smile, though more out of politeness than amusement as he slowly recovers from the fact that his mother is actually trying to make him laugh. “How has school been? Are the teachers nice? Did you make many friends?”

“Why are you asking?”

For a long moment, his mother doesn’t say anything. She just stands with her back to him, frying eggs. Then she sighs and turns down the heat so she can focus her attention on him.

“Because,” she says, “I’m barely home. I haven’t had a full conversation with you in god knows how long, and I want to be a better mother than my mother was to me. I’m sorry that I haven’t been here, but I’m trying now. I promise to try and be better for you, okay?”

It sounds too good to be true. Takure doesn’t know if he believes her, not after years of being left alone in a house too big and too quiet for just him. Not after years of learning how to cook just to make dinner for himself or else he’d go hungry waiting for his parents to come around and take care of him.

Not since the last time he tried to bring them together when he was eight and they had just moved to Kanagawa, when his parents still screamed at each other and cried, yelled at him to stay out of their conversations and sent him up to his room in tears. Not since they forced him to to learn how to live alone and raise himself and run from the grief of losing a sibling who never got to be born.

He wonders where his favorite teddy bear went, the light blue one he slept with every night that he wanted to give to his baby brother.

“The teachers are fine,” Takeru says, instead of saying anything about her promise. “I got the sane one who actually teachers. The other teacher teaches whatever he wants and no one knows what his class is actually supposed to be. I don’t really have friends. Just one. And I guess Kouhai-chan.”

His mother gasps. “Kouhai-chan? From elementary school?”

Takeru nods and his mother smiles, delighted. “Oh, you two were best friends! You were so cute when you were little! You should have her over some time.”

“Will you be here if I do?”

She flinches, then nods. “I promise.”

Takeru stares at her, then sighs. “I’ll talk to her about it,” he says.

“And what about this other friend of yours?” she presses.

Takeru shrugs and says, “His name’s Ai. He’s just a friend, I guess. Pretty popular, don’t really know why he hangs out with me.”

“Because you’re a sweet person, Take-chan,” his mother says, turning back to the frying pan to check on the eggs. She grabs a spatula and a plate and carefully moves the eggs off the frying pan. After pouring soy sauce on it, she places it next to Takeru’s bowl of fruit, half finished, and gets started on making her own breakfast.

Takeru finishes the rest of his breakfast quickly and makes his escape, slipping away quietly and back up the stairs. By now, the sun is over the horizon completely and the fog has been chased away. The sky is a friendly blue despite the chill that still hangs in the air. Morning will last a few more hours, still.

He doesn’t know what he’s feeling. Being forced to suddenly confront his parents’ absence while talking to his mother left his mind a jumbled mess where no thought can fully form before being tangled up into something else.

For the rest of the day, Takeru hides in his room, only going downstairs twice to eat. By then, his mother has left and he hears his father leave just after Takeru finishes his lunch.

Though he wishes his house weren’t so empty and quiet, wishes his parents would stay and spend more time with him, wishes they could be a family again, the moment they stay he runs and hides until he’s left with the lonely reality he’s become accustomed to.

Part of him wishes that they’d stay away, and he hates that part. Part of him wishes they would just stay, and he hates that too.

Left alone, it’s easy to wonder if he’ll ever be happy.

For days, Takeru lazes around, then cleans his room, and the rest of the house when his parents are out, and learns a few new recipes. He plays music to fill the quiet and hasn’t spoken since that first morning. He wonders about Ai. Wonders about Echo. Wonders how long love is supposed to last, since he still hurts when he thinks about Echo with someone else.

It’s a lonely existence, but one he’s familiar with.

Until Christmas.

Really, Takeru should have expected it. His parents would have Christmas off to rest, to spend time together, to stay home. And it’s not like he has friends to hang out with on Christmas. Or even a date to go around downtown with; Christmas is a couple holiday more than a family holiday.

He goes downstairs to make himself breakfast, as he’s been doing for most of his life, and stops short at the sight of both his mother and father in the kitchen, talking. Their voices are hard to hear under the radio that’s playing the latest music.

They haven’t seen him yet. He could still go back upstairs if he wanted to.

“Morning,” Takeru calls out to them. His father looks back at him, surprised, and an awkward smile adorns his face. His mother is much more natural, only glancing back at him.

“Good morning, Take-chan!” she greets, and his father echoes her quietly. “Merry Christmas!”

“Oh.” He’d forgotten the date, really. But it explained why his parents were in the kitchen. “Merry Christmas.”

“How have you been? Glad to be on break?” his father asks, stepping away from his mother to try to have a conversation with Takeru.

“Fine. I’m getting enough sleep now, so I guess. There’s nothing for me to do, though.”

“Well, why don’t you tell me about school? I feel like I haven’t spoken to you in a while.” The moment he says it, Takeru sees his father wince as they both think: _Because it has been months since we last spoke._

Taking pity on his father, Takeru takes a seat and the counter stool and waits until his father rests his forearms on the counter across from him.

“Schools fine. I’m getting good grades. Kouhai-chan runs the cafe.”

His father thinks for a moment, then perks up. “Kouhai-chan from elementary?” he asks, a genuine smile on his face.

Takeru nods. “Yeah, her. She’s the only girl, you know. Got the cafe from her grandmother and kept us all alive during prep week with coffee.”

“Well, it’s good to know that she’s still around! How about your other friends?”

Takeru shrugs and says, “I only have one other friend. Ai. He does kyudo.”

“Kyudo,” his father nods, “That’s a good sport. I did kendo in high school. Are you in any clubs? I know joining a club in your senior year is difficult, but it can be done.”

“I’m not a club person. Or really a people person at all.”

“You get that from your father,you know,” his mother chimes in, walking to the table with a plate full of pancakes.

“Hey now!” his father protests.

“You know I’m right.” Takeru can’t help but smile when his mother laughs at his father’s pout. He slips out of the stool and grabs extra plates and forks from the cabinets and sets the table, hoping he got everyone’s seat correct. It’s been years since they last sat down and ate a meal.

It’s a quiet breakfast. Takeru focuses on eating, alternating between blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes while his parents joke around and fight over the last strawberry pancake. In his memories, the last time his parents were together, they were fighting, yelling their throats raw and wiping tears off their cheeks. He’d forgotten how much they loved each other.

He wishes he didn’t have to wonder if they loved him too.

Takeru finishes first and goes to wash his plate when his father says, “You can just leave it in the sink, I’ll wash it.”

He doesn’t say a thing, just leaves his plate in the sink and escapes to his room. He feels like a stranger in his house, in his own skin. Everything is off and uncomfortable and Takeru doesn’t know how to fix it. He wishes he could write everything out in a letter to Echo, but the words don’t come, lost in the tangle of everything he’s feeling.

It’s too much, so he decides to not feel at all.

Takeru pushes everything down, tells himself it doesn’t matter, and takes out one of his journals to draw and write and take his mind of off everything. He switches between pens, changing colors and thickness and from plain to glitter to gel, staining his hands as he tried to pour all he felt out of his soul, trying to tip the urn carrying the ashes of his emotions and dump it onto the paper.

And when he’s done, he closes his journal and tosses it to the floor, too exhausted to look over the mess he’s created within the pages. He just lays on his bed, fingers and wrists aching, trying to fight the urge to cry.

 _‘It’s okay,’_ Takeru tells himself, _‘It’s okay.’_

By the time lunch rolls around, he almost believes it.

A knock on his door is what makes him move, wincing as blood rushes back into his arms and gives it the sensation of being filled with static.

“Takeru?” his mother’s voice calls from behind the door. “Lunch is ready.”

“Right,” he responds, “I’ll be right down.”

He sighs and rolls his shoulders back. He knew he couldn’t hide forever, but that didn’t mean he stopped wishing to disappear. Takeru has never been good with change. This is no different.

He really is always running away.

Takeru fishes his bear slippers out from under his desk and slips them on before steeling himself and forcing himself to open his door and leave his room. The atmosphere in the house feels completely different when he steps into the hallway. It feels more welcoming, more warm. Like love was saturating the house and letting him know he was safe.

 _‘Too good to be true,’_ he thinks to himself before he can get his hopes up. _‘This will all be gone by next week.’_

When he goes down, his parents are already sitting down on the couch, sandwiches in hand, talking to each other in low voices. His father glances over and then smiles at his mother, saying something that she nods to, then calls out to Takeru, “The sandwiches are over here! Come sit down and eat with us.”

As much as he’d rather crawl into a sewer, he is hungry, so Takeru walks around the couch and grabs the first sandwich in reach. He goes to sit at the edge of the couch, away from his parents, but they pat the space between them so he has no choice but to sit there.

He eats slowly, keeping his gaze fixed on the table. His parents, too, keep quiet and finish their food. They don’t get any more, though. They just wait until he’s done. The nerves start getting to him and he’s only halfway done with his sandwich when he has to put it back on the plate and try to sink into the couch.

“Takeru,” his mother begins, gently, and reaches out to hold his hand. “We’ve taken time to talk to each other, and we want to apologize to you.”

Well. That’s unexpected. Takeru can’t do anything more than blinking, dumbly, at her until his father puts a hand on his shoulder.

“We haven’t been good parents,” his father says, “We haven’t really been parents at all. We left you to raise yourself and fought with each other until it broke this family apart. We got so lost in our own pain that we forgot that you were hurting too.”

“All these years, we’ve been running. We never stopped to explain anything to you, to help you or comfort you or be the parents you need. But we’re going to stop running know. And we’re going to be here for you, if you’ll let us back in,” his mother says. “We love you. And I’m sorry we hurt too much to show it.”

His father doesn’t brush away the tear that trails down his cheek. “And we’re sorry for being so late in coming back to you. You’ve been amazing these past years. You’re grades are phenomenal, you’ve taught yourself how to be independent, though I’m sorry you had to learn like that, and you’re getting through each day without a complaint. That strength is all you. Not from us. And we’re so proud of you.”

Takeru lifts his hand, the one his mother isn’t hold, and tries to wipe away his tears. And then he stops, collapses into himself, and begins to sob because they love him. His parents still love him and they came back to him and it hurts but in such a beautiful way. Without another word, his mother pulls him into a hug, lets him cry all over her shoulder, and his father reaches over and cradles them both in his arms.

And suddenly, he’s seven again, his father holding him as his mother lies, broken, in a hospital bed. And he’s eight, his mother carrying his bags and boxes to the moving van as they make their way to Kanagawa. And he’s eleven, his father helping him with math homework before leaving to take a call for work. And he’s fifteen, his mother brushing his hair back as he shivers, hot with fever, and wonders if the song she’s humming is just the dream of a lonely child wanting his parents back.

Takeru cries until he’s out of tears, gasping for breath, his father handing him a tissue box to wipe away everything on his face. His mother rocks him back and father, humming that same song from when he was sick.

“I’m sorry,” his father whispers, pressing a kiss to the top of his head like he’s four years old again and just had a nightmare. “You’ve been hurting and alone for so long and we never saw. I’m so sorry.”

Though his throat aches and his voices is scratchy and raw, Takeru finds it in him to gasp out, “I forgive you! I just wanted you back, I just wanted to be a family again. Please, please don’t leave again!”

“Never,” his mother promises, fierce, “Never. We’ll never leave you again. I swear.”

“I swear,” his father echoes.

They cradle him, hold him close until the exhaustion pulls his eyes shut and the world slips away.

 

 

* * *

 

 

From Christmas onwards, Takeru lives with a permanent smile on his face. He writes Echo letters he can’t send because he can’t think of a better way to lay out everything he feels so it becomes less overwhelming. He writes for pages, on and on and on, barely able to comprehend how happy, how _relieved,_ he is now.

He wants to box up some of this happiness and send it to Echo so he has a reason to smile over break. Without the near daily letters, Takeru worries about Echo and his fighting parents, wonders if he has a place to seek refuge if it gets to much, wonders if he’s eating enough and getting some rest while school is out.

Not for the first time, Takeru wishes he knew Echo’s identity and could see him over break. The amount of times he’s daydreamed about the two of them visiting a shrine on New Years and strolling through the snowy streets is almost embarrassing. Almost, because some of his fantasy dates are cute and more real than an idea out of a romance movie.

As happy as Takeru is, there’s still a part of him that isn’t satisfied, that whispers, _The picture isn’t complete yet._ His parents are back in his life, pouring out their love until he’s drowned in it, but Echo has been wiped off the face of the earth and he can’t turn to Ai to share a dumb joke.

So he’s happy. He’s smiling and laughing and he spends his days with his parents and the fractures between them are slowly but surely healing. He’s happy. But there are still moments he sighs, an ache in his chest, a quiet sort of longing that there’s no cure for.

“We’ve been spending a lot of time together,” his mother says, sipping her raspberry hibiscus tea carefully, “But you haven’t told us much about school yet.”

“I have,” Takeru protests. But he knows he hasn’t and his mother knows she’s right; they’ve watched movies and dramas and did puzzles and cooked together, but they didn’t talk much about what’s going on in their lives.

“No, you haven’t. The most you’ve said is that you get good grades, met Kouhai-chan again, and have a friend. Isn’t that right dear?”

His father sets down his cup lightly and pointedly does not look at her as he says, “Right, yes, of course my lovely wife.”

She glares at him for a moment then plasters a smile back on her face as she turns her attention back onto Takeru. Has she always been this scary? There’s no force on Earth that could say no to her. Takeru admires it, wishes he could have that skill, but only when it’s not turned on him.

“So?” she prods, “How is school?”

Takeru shrugs helplessly. “Good? I guess? I don’t know what you want me to talk about.”

“How about your friend? What was his name again?”

His father, the traitor, says, “Wasn’t your friend’s name Ai? The kyudo one?”

“I trusted you,” Takeur hisses to his father, “But yeah, his name’s Ai and he’s in my class. He’s really popular since he’s the school’s Cupid.”

“He’s the what now?”

“The Cupid. I don’t really know either, and when I asked him, Ai said it was a joke that got out of hand and he has to commit to it now.”

“So, is he a matchmaker then?” his father asks.

“Pretty much. People also go to him for relationship advice, though he told me that he’s never even had a crush on anyone.”

Takeru’s mother chokes on her tear and coughs enough that his father hits her back to help her along. The coughing quickly turns into laughter that Takeru and his father can’t help but join in.

“Committed indeed!” she crows, delighted, “Tell me more. Has he set you up with anyone yet?”

Takeru blanches. “What? No! Who would I even date?”

“You don’t have a crush on someone?” his father frowns, and his mother leans forwards on, a shark-like smile on her face.

“Why would you think I have a crush on anyone? I’ve mentioned nothing about crushes!”

“Well, you know,” his father fumbles, gesturing as he tries to awkwardly explain, “You’re always sighing, and you cry at romance movies--”

“It was _one_ movie and only because they both died at the end!”

“ --You keep looking out the window like your waiting for someone, I don’t know, okay? That’s what I did when I had a crush on your mother? What do kids do these days when they have crushes?”

“Die, maybe?”

His mother blinks. “Woah. Overreaction.”

“Hardly! Crushing on someone is terrible! You have to _feel_ things and deal with it!”

“Aha! So you do have a crush!”

Takeru sinks down in his seat, cursing himself. He should have known better. As he pouts, his parents high five each other and wait for him to spill his guts.

He can feel himself catching fire, cheeks burning red as his parents wait to hear about his crush. It’s mortifying. But itself also nice, knowing his parents want to hear about him, about his life. It’s nice knowing there are people he can tell things and know they won’t judge him at all.

Admitting he has a crush out loud makes him want to dig his own grave and lie in it, but at the same time, he does want to talk about this. So.

“This is really stupid but I don’t know the name of my crush or what they look like or anything. I just know they go to my school and are in my grade. We literally just exchange letters but I have a crush on him anyways and I’m dying inside.”

For a moment, there’s silence. Takeru can practically see the buffering signs above his parents’ heads. And then his mother starts to snicker as his father holds his hand in front of his face to hide his smile.

Takeru scowls and looks away, holding back his own laughter. “Yeah, yeah,” he grumbles, “Laugh it up.”

“Oh, Take-chan!” his mother laughs, “Only you could fall in love with a pen pal!”

“It’s not my fault he’s charming and makes me smile! It’s his fault!”

“Pretty sure it’s both of your faults for being silly,” his father comments, grinning widely in a way that makes him seem twenty years younger.

“Well?” his mother asks, “What’s his name?”

Takeru hides his face behind his hand. “Echo,” he mumbles.

“What was that?”

“Echo! His name is Echo! I don’t know his real name!”

“If you don’t find this boy, I will.”

Takeru looks up, horrified at the thought of setting his powerhouse mother on poor, unsuspecting Echo. “I am literally begging you to not do that.”

“As long as you find him before you graduate,” she says, sitting back primply as though she didn’t just offer to track down his mysterious pen pal crush like a bloodhound.

“Uh. He may have offered to meet me in person the first day back from break?”

His father stands and makes his way to Takeru’s side of the table. Solemnly he puts a hand on Takeru’s shoulder and looks into his eyes.

“Son,” he says, “Get that boy or you’re grounded.”

“What! That’s not allowed! Don’t threaten me into getting a date!”

“He’s right though,” his mother says, nodding to his father.

Takeru slides off his chair onto the floor, groaning. “You’re both awful. And yes, I will invite him over for dinner once I meet him. Can we play Mario Cart now? I want to beat both of you.”

“If you can handle the loss, then sure,” his mother grins, “Put in the game.

 

 

* * *

 

 

For the first time in years, Takeru doesn’t want to go to school. He wants to stay home, spend the morning and the rest of his day with his parents. They managed to stay off work until the beginning of February.

He feels whole, like a missing piece of him slotted into place during the break and the world stopped being so dark. The light came back into him and being alive didn’t hurt anymore. The days spent laughing with his mother as they teased his father, or watching old dramas with his father and crying, were like a dream. But Takeru knows that it’ll be waiting for him at home. They’ll be waiting to welcome him home.

He didn’t want to leave, but he’s reread Echo’s letters until he saw them in his dreams, and he needs to meet him in person, tell Echo about his break and know that it’s all real.

As he left the house, his parents cheered for him and made him promise he’d text them and tell them how everything goes. Halfway to school, Takeru has to turn off his phone with how much his parents are messaging him, wishing him luck, offering advice, and reminiscing on their old crushes. It’s cute, and does make him smile enough that his cheeks ache, but paired with the nerves jumping in his stomach, if Takeru sees one more text saying he’s going to be great, since it’s nothing like the time his mother whacked her date with flowers because there was a be, he’s going to puke.

“I can do this,” he whispers himself as the school gate comes into view. “I can do this, I can do this.”

He stops at the gates and looks out at the empty campus.

“I can’t do this.”

Takeru turns on his heel and walks down the street, far enough away that he can’t see onto the school grounds anymore. He crouches down, back against a wall, close to hyperventilating.

“Oh god,” he mutters, “Oh god, oh god, oh god.

He’s so not ready. Does he look good enough? Is his skin clear? Are his nails clean? Did he have food on his teeth? Is his hair a mess? Takeru wants to make a good first impression, wants to meet his crush while he’s at his best. The high of happiness is gone; fear sent him crashing to the ground, unable to pull himself together.

For so long, he’s wanted to meet Echo. Now that the moment is here, Takeru is shaking with nerves, mouth too dry to call out for help. What on earth made him think he could do this?

But Echo is there. Waiting for him. Putting himself out there for Takeru despite his fear. And here is Takeru, trying to run because that’s all he knows how to do.

It’s time to stop, he realizes. His parents stopped running, came back and picked up the pieces of their family to put them back together. They were scared too, asking for his forgiveness. Fear is no reason stop him from going after a chance of happiness, no matter the risks.

Takeru takes a few deep breaths, then stands.

The time for running has come to an end. Now is the time to chase after what he wants, go selfishly and fearlessly to whatever awaits him.

“Okay. Let’s do this,” he says and walks back down the street, back to the gate, and then onto campus. He ignores how his stomach twists itself into knots, and how he grips strap of his bag with a white-knuckled grip.

 Just a few more steps, just a turn at the bike racks and--

Oh.

Takeru stops short. Stares. Feels the tension slip off of him and fade away. He can’t stop the smile curling his lips, though he tries to bite down on it. This is too perfect to be real, and yet, there he is, waiting at the bench -- _first one past the bike racks, off to the left_ \-- kicking his feet as he waits for Takeru. Waits for _Teddy._

‘ _It’s you,’_ Takeru thinks. ‘ _Thank god it’s you.’_

And he takes a step forward, then another one, and slowly crosses the distance between them, eyes locked on the pink hair that hides his eyes when he ducks his head.

Takeru stops behind him for a moment, hesitates as he tries to figure out what to do, and settles with going around to sit next to Ai.

“Hey,” he says, and when Ai looks up, eyes wide, it’s like Takeru’s seeing him for the first time.

Pink hair. Teal eyes that seem to glow in the sunlight. Flushed cheeks and lips always quick to curve into a smile. And with that, light bags under his eyes, hidden by his bright personality, thin hands, a tendency to hunch into himself when he thought he was alone; to the untrained eye, Ai is just tired. But Takeru suddenly sees the effects of exhaustion and hunger borne from months of running away from home as his parents scream and yell at each other.

“Takeru?” Ai says, surprised. “Hey! I usually don’t see you at school this early!”

“Ai,” he says, a little more forcefully. Echo, _Ai_ , had specifically asked to meet him an hour before school starts on the first day back. Did he really think Takeru was going to sleep in?

“You can go to the cafe if you want, it’s cold out! I’m just going to stay out here for a bit. I’m waiting for someone.”

Takeru frowns. Has he not realized? “Ai,” he says again.

Ai frowns. “Yes?”

Takeru can’t help but smile. “ _Echo_ ,” he tries instead.

Ai freezes, his eyes wide. For a long moment, he stares at Takeru, shocked. Takeru waits until he speaks, waits until he passes judgement to say anything else. And then Ai bolts, running away before Takeru can react, leaving his bag on the ground.

Something in Takeru goes cold. This is not how this was supposed to be going. He imagined shy smiles and proper introductions, a joke about how stupid they both were for not realizing, maybe a chance to ask Ai out properly. Running away was not an option Takeru considered.

Well. He did resolve to chase what he wanted, so Takeru scoops ip Ai’s bag and carries it alongside his own. It’s awkward, running with two bags, but he goes anyways, running as fast as his legs can carry him to catch up with Ai.

Ai runs across the campus, straight past the still closed cafe, and disappears from view as he crosses on of the covered hallways that connected the school buildings together. Takeru can feel a stitch forming in his side, but he pushes himself faster anyways, jumping through the hallway and stumbling into one of the smaller courtyards.

There’s no flash of pink. Takeru looks around, panting. The air in front of him fogs, and he’s terrified that he’s just lost Ai. And then he looks down and remembers how stupid he can be.

There are footprints in the snow.

Takeru follows them slowly, trying to regain his breath and not double over from the stitch in his side. He follows the footsteps to the small tables where they usually eat lunch, covered by the hanging roof.

Ai sits with his knees pulled into his chest, hiding his face. The sight breaks his heart, and Takeru doesn’t want to upset him even more.

“Hey,” he says softly. “You forgot your bag. Are you okay?”

He lowers Ai’s bag down to his feet, then drops his own. It’s as though he’s trying to approach a cornered animal, going slow as he sinks down and sits next to Ai. He doesn’t feel Ai shift away or move at all, so Takeru relaxes, hoping he’s not making things worse.

They sit there for some time in silence. Not long enough for more students to start appearing on campus, but long enough that they’ve both calmed down from the run and Takeru begins to shiver.

“It’s you,” Ai finally whispers, not lifting his head to speak. Takeru has to strain to hear him, but in the early morning quiet, it’s not hard to do.

“It’s me,” he agrees. “I’m Teddy, and you’re Echo. We’ve been writing letters to each other for months while being friends and we never noticed.”

“You know about me.”

“And you know about me.”

Ai shifts enough to turn his head and look at Takeru. “I spilled my heart out to you on paper and didn’t even know it.”

“I did the same to you. I held on to every letter you wrote, you know.” At Ai’s surprised look, Takeru laughs. “No, really! I loved your letters, even when they made me sad for you. Sometimes I’d read them again when my parents weren’t home so I’d feel less alone. Writing to you made me feel less alone.”

“I was so happy to have someone to talk to,” Ai confess, voice weak and nearly carried away by the cold wind. “Someone who didn’t know me that I could show the darkest parts of myself. Everything I had to hide from the world, Teddy knew.” He stops for a moment, taking deep breaths, and when he continues, his eyes are bright with tears. “And it was you. This whole time it was you. You know everything about me and you weren’t supposed to.”

Taking a risk, Takeru reaches out and places his hand on Ai’s shoulder, trying not to react when Ai flinches.

“This doesn’t change a thing,” he says. “I still love talking to you. You’re the reason I can get through the day and look forward to what tomorrow brings. You gave me a friend when I was alone and lost and terrified. You trusted me with your secrets and I trusted you with mine. Know Echo is you doesn’t change anything. I still want you in my life. I still want to be by your side, bearing some of your burdens so you can smile more honestly. Nothing’s changed.”

Ai lifts his head to wipe away a few tears and offers him a small smile. “You know how I told you that I’ve never had a crush on anyone before? And that I was crushing on two people during midterms and I didn’t believe in love?”

A spark of hope lights in him. Takeru nods. “I remember.”  
  
“I don’t believe in love, but you make me want to. I fell for you twice, after all.”

Ai turns to face him fully and leans into him, exhaling as he relaxes into Takeru’s hold. “So?” he asks, voice muffled against Takeru’s shoulder, “What are you going to say to that?”

“I felt so stupid for falling for someone I never met, whose real name I didn’t know, and I’m so happy it’s you. I’m so, so happy I fell for you and took the chance to love you. Also, my parents have already invited you to have dinner with us soon.”

“Woah, what.” Ai lifts his head to properly look at Takeru. “Your parents?”

He nods, unable to hold back his smile. “Yeah. My parents. They talked to me on Christmas, asked if I would let them be my parents again, if I’d let them back into my life. I forgave them.”

“That’s wonderful, Takeru! I’m so happy for you!”

“My parents already love you, by the way.”

Ai flushes, cheeks a pleasant pink. He opens his mouth as though to say something, but he can’t find the words so he settles for gently bumping the top of his head against Takeru’s chin. Takeru lets him, holds him closer and feels his heart come close to bursting.

“Come on,” Ai says at last, shift back. “Let’s go in. It’s freezing out here.”

“If we tell Kouhai-chan we’re dating, she’ll probably give us free drinks.”

“Are we dating?”

Takeru stands and takes Ai’s hand to help pull him up. He doesn’t let go. “I hope we are.”

“Okay, then we’re dating.” Ai’s easy acceptance is too much, and Takeru wants to show just how much he feels. A hug isn’t enough, so he chooses instead to pepper Ai’s face with soft kisses, barely there before moving on to some other part of his face. He ends with a kiss to each corner of Ai’s mouth.

They can’t properly kiss, not with how much they’re smiling, so Ai tilts his face up and rubs his nose against Takeru’s.

An eskimo kiss. Takeru holds Ai’s cheeks in his hands and shakes his head, rubbing their noses together, then pulls back and squishes Ai’s cheeks together until he has fish lips.

“Hey!” he tries to say, though it comes out muffled.

Takeru laughs. “You’re amazing.”

Ai bats away Takeru’s hand and reaches down to grab his bag. “Of course I am,” he says. “I’m Cupid. Besides, I wouldn’t have been able to keep you around if I was boring.”

“I stayed because you’re you, I didn’t need any other reason.”

“That’s so sweet, but I’m going to hit you if you keep saying stuff like that. There’s only so much I can handle in a day.”

Sure enough, Ai’s blushing enough that the tips of his ears are red. It could also be the cold, but it’s more fun to think that Takeru caused that. He resolves to keep making Ai blush and laugh; red’s a good color on him, and Ai’s always had the brightest smile in the room.

“Let’s go warm up,” Takeru says, slinging the strap of his bag over his shoulders, then grabbing Ai’s hand again to lace their fingers together and drag him along. Ai goes along willingly, shoving himself against Takeru’s side so they both stumble. They bump against each other the entire walk to the cafe, tumbling into the brightly lit space with breathless laughter.

Again, they’re smiling to much for a proper kiss, but even a simple eskimo kiss sends sparks down his spine and butterflies in his stomach. It’s small, simple, but it’s enough. There’s no need to rush into this. Ai and Takeru have found they’re way together time and time again, even with fake names and secret letters. Without the fear of losing each other, Takeru plans to savor every moment with Ai and take it slow.

They have time for this, after all. They have all the time in the world together.

  


(Kouhai-chan does give them free drinks. She also gushes non-stop about how cute they are together, but it’s a small price to pay, all things considered.)

**Author's Note:**

> btw, i choose 'Echo' as Ai's fake name based off the echo and narcissus myth in greek mythology
> 
> the more you know!!


End file.
